Happy Birthday, America!

Posted on July 4, 2011


Nothing says "America" like big fat explosions in south Florida.

What exactly are we celebrating about these past 234 years?

We are celebrating the birth of the American bravado, the childish tantrum, and the independent spirit you see in four-year-old children who say “no” to their mommy and daddy.

Yes, America, we celebrate you sticking it to the man, thumbing your nose, and farting in the Brits’ general direction.

You did it with class.  You did it with paperwork.  You did it with your words.

You did it on the backs of Thomas Jefferson’s intellect.

We call it Independence Day.

We didn’t want that colonial spirit controlling our economies or telling us what to do.  No sir, we wanted to do what we wanted and work how we wanted and fight for what we wanted.  Don’t tell us what to do or how to run a country, you outdated monarchy.

Yes, and after countless wars in which we have been involved we come back every year to celebrate America’s birthday by doing the one thing we Americans are really good at doing: blowing stuff up.

With an average of (I’m completing making this statistic up) 30,000 tons of fireworks explosives used every July 4th, we fill the sky with enough lights to confuse the hell out of E.T. and his other long-necked friends hovering in our atmosphere.

Fireworks are expensive and ridiculous.

Yet, I love watching them.

They are loud, obnoxious, and smell like day-old barbeque pits.

Happy Birthday, America.  Who knows how many more you’ve got left.

Posted in: Life