Dear, People of Florida

Posted on June 27, 2011


Yes you are.

It’s as simple as that.

I’ve mentioned before how ridiculous the people of Florida are.

Anecdotal evidence abounds.

Here’s how you can know people of Florida are stupid.

The state has cited that texting-while-driving is deadly and has caused numerous deaths and accidents.  Yet, they refuse to outlaw it.  Stupid.

The state has a long line of toll booths that are quite easy to navigate.  You can also purchase a “SunPass” that allows you to drive through without stopping.  Yet, somehow, people don’t actually want to pay these tolls.  They will do just about anything they can to avoid paying the tollStupid.

Yeah, not only do these people get caught on film doing this, they also get caught on film doing this.  Not sure why you would actually want to smile for a photo as you were finished robbing a house, but I guess you thought that the person was going to post it to Facebook and give you a “like.”  Stupid.

Want to know what else I “like?”  Dog people.  Especially ones that bite.  That’s right.  This woman decides that she’ll take a chunk of finger and toe if you don’t groom her dog in a timely manner.  Stupid.

Maybe she was hungry? You know, hunger does drive people to do crazy things.  For example, don’t mess with a hungry woman’s Thin Mints.  Although, I might suggest that she could probably benefit from laying off the delicious Girl Scout cookies.  Stupid.

But, it’s not just these “normal” people that act out.  Even the elderly in Florida get strange.  Especially the ones who become jilted.  Don’t you ever deny a 92 year old woman a kiss.  She’ll f#*$@! kill you!  Or, at least shoot your house up all Harlem Nights style.  Stupid.

Look, it’s not just me.  Other people have noticed the stupidity of people in Florida.  Professional people who get paid to notice things like this.

Last winter, a school in Florida wanted to perform the classic play version of To Kill a Mockingbird.  What a great anti-racist book and play.  A great examination of racial justice.  Educational!  Enlightening!

But, no.  The school committee decided to cancel the showing of the play because the people in the audience, the parents of the children in the play, wouldn’t be able to handle the use of the “N-word” in the play.  Especially because they wouldn’t be given the same opportunity of the students in the classroom to have teacher guidance on the cultural context of the work.

As the author of the editorial commented:

You, potential audience member, are too stupid to get the context of the N-word in its dramatic/historical context. You need to be protected from it.

Yes, people of Florida, you indeed are too stupid to know that you need to be protected from yourself.  Please, stay inside so you don’t have to text while driving through tolls that you don’t pay for because you’re running away from a 92 year old gun-toting grandmother who is pissed off that you didn’t get her dogs groomed on time.

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Posted in: Florida, Life, Random