Smartest Man Alive

Posted on June 15, 2011


Dear “smartwater”,

Firstly, let me congratulate you on being just highbrow enough to know that fonts only look cool if they are in all lowercase letters.  Further, you also understand that spacing between words is for sissies.

For example, look how much cooler the following sentence looks:


Don’t you think that just looks and sounds so much “smarter”?

My feeling is that you enlisted Jeremy Piven to do this wonderful ad campaign to encourage men to do things they are already supposed to do.

Isn’t that what real men do? Try to improve the world every day?

And, how smart do you really think men are for buying “smartwater” when all it is, according to your website is “vapor distilled” water.  Basically, what that means is that you boiled the water, captured the vapor, let it cool, and bottled it.

Pretty f#%!*ing scientific if you ask me.

“if it all sounds like genius, it is were water scientists.”

Okay, “smartwater” editors.  If you’re so genius, you’d know you have a major grammar and spelling problem in that line.  It is taken verbatim from your website.

So how smart can the water make you?  Are you using your own stuff?

Obviously, not so smart.

For example, you ask us to tell you our best ideas on how to improve the world. Do you actually think the real smart men are going freely give away their best ideas to a company that can’t even properly edit its own website?

Do you actually think it’s smart to bottle water in plastic considering what the EPA has said about petroleum based products?

Do you actually think it’s a smart idea to sell this water to stupid Americans who will buy this crap about . . . no wait . . . scratch that.

Now I see why you’ve enlisted Jeremy Piven.  He’s a salesman.  He’s a pitch man.  He’s a closer.  He could sell a cell phone to a deaf Amish man.  Piven is that f#%*!ing smart.

Smart move, smartwater.

But, you haven’t fooled me.


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Posted in: Life, Random